The articles are everywhere; "How I rid my life of all negative feelings", "Never give up". "Always have a positive mood". "Stay focused on happiness", "Ignore all the negative people around you", and so on. I honestly never gave it a second thought. Of course this is how it has to be.
I finally stopped to think about what makes a so-called negative person tick. Do they purposely choose to live such miserable lives? Do they really want to be hurtful or critical? Don't they want to be liked? Healthy? Happy?
What about us, the so-called positive thinkers? Are we SURE we are really positive? I looked at my own behavior. Sometimes my first instinct is avoidance. I dread the interactions. I am embarrassed or hurt by their behavior. I get angry, defensive and frustrated. I lecture. I tell them how they should live, act and feel.
Not so positive. Not at all.
It is almost as if we are living in two separate worlds speaking two different languages. We perceive and react to each others behavior negatively. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The more we try to be helpful, the more insistent we become, the more suspicious of our motives they become. We become frustrated. They then think we are angry at them. They might lash out at us with verbal tirades or (more likely) simply shut us down and out. But the last thing they want is to be isolated and estranged! All they are trying to do is exist. To survive.
All these years I thought my Mom (of blessed memory) was just a big stubborn pessimist. My Dad (of blessed memory) on the other hand was eternally optimistic. I remember him asking her "why are you always so negative?" Nobody realized hers was an edifice carefully constructed over time, to protect her from any more in a lifelong series of traumas. It was like she was constantly engaged in battle. You were either for her or against her. A compliment to another was automatically an insult to her.
She was one when the Great Depression struck. Next up was a surprise tonsillectomy. She was given no warning or preparation. Imagine the terror of a little girl going to the doctors office, having a mask put over her face, then waking up in excruciating pain. On another occasion a huge dog wanting to play jumped on her and terrified her to the extent that she became her temporarily mute. Her father died of a heart attack when they were alone at home together. The doctors couldn't save him.
Her brash, outgoing, and domineering older sister got all the attention (and Mom would say love), from their mother. She married young and was hopeful for a happier life. But then her first child, a son, was born prematurely. Due to the doctor's mistakes the baby was starved of oxygen long enough to cause lasting brain damage. After almost 60 years of marriage Dad died in a hospital (again, betrayal at the hands of doctors) although he only was admitted for a broken back.
As a widow in her mid-80s, she struggled to handle the overwhelming yet basic details of everyday life. She never really learned the skills necessary to survive on her own in the world. She was desperate to hide the fact that she couldn't handle it. Still healthy considering her age, she started slowing down cognitively and physically. A woman who was always afraid of falling started to fall down regularly. When she went into the hospital for voluntary knee replacement surgery, no one could understand her hostility to the medical personnel, her impatience, her desperation bordering on hysteria to get out of the hospital, and her humiliation at having to be taken care of.
My brother and I tried to help her adapt to her new realities: "You should get a walker, Mom. Think of how much energy you'll be saving! Think of how much safer you'll be without the risk of falling! Wouldn't it be great to move into an assisted living facility? You'll have everything provided for you: 3 meals a day, housekeeping service, and stimulating activities. There will be a nurse's office on site with doctors visiting twice a week! You'll have MORE energy to do the things you enjoy!"
We were shocked when she asked us "why are you so negative?" NEGATIVE? HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE!!! Here's what Mom heard: "You're old, Mom. We don't think you are smart and competent enough to manage on your own." Because of her deep seated fears she sees nothing but danger in this seemingly beautiful, welcoming and safe place. It MUST BE that her children just want to get rid of her, to send her to a place to die out of sight and alone.
But she can't let on that she's afraid! That would be humiliating. So she agreed to a 30-day trial at a facility. As the start date approached her anxiety and anger increased exponentially. Her behavior became more and more bizarre. Fear turned into outright terror. After only 2 days she hysterically insisted on being brought back home right away. She even called the police thinking her life was in danger! Weeks later she would say things like: "I know you are angry with me, but I had to leave". As time went by and as her medical condition worsened, Mom was hospitalized several times. In each instance she constantly tried to flee whatever facility she was in. When she no longer had the strength, she simply flung herself onto the floor.
What in the world was going on? Worrying and fear trigger the nervous system's fight or flight response, which in turn increases levels of stress hormones in the body. While this is sometimes a necessity and can be perfectly safe, chronic cumulative elevated stress hormone levels causes loss of volume in the region of the brain that controls emotional processing, impulse-control, reason, risk perception, and decision making. The ability to cope with stressful situations is then impaired, which can result in inflexibility, resistance, combativeness and isolation. When this so-called cumulative adversity occurs during youth, it can actually retard the growth of these regions in the brain. The result can be an increased risk of developing behavioral disorders later in life.
Inner mental chatter is what drives these actions. We all have a constant stream of thoughts active in our minds. Our brains turn these thoughts into voices only we can hear. This is how we 'hear' what are reading or all of a sudden remember something from our to-do list. In this case the brain magnifies a thought to the point of delusion. For my Mom, these voices were almost like a constant stream of verbal abuse. It was a destructive force causing her mind to get stuck in a cycle of worry and repetitive negative thinking. Egged on by the inner voice and the fear that comes with the inability to asses risk and to cope with stressful situations, withdrawal occurs out of necessity. Retreating to a place where risk is minimized, where the inner voices are relatively quiet, is a matter of life and death.
We can find another way to look at this in our holy Torah. The Inclination for Evil and the Inclination for Good are forces that compete with each other while at the same time compelling us to act. A baby is born with only the Inclination for Evil. The Inclination For Good appears upon the onset of adulthood. The Inclination for Evil encompasses drives that can lead to love, marriage and children. But without proper restraint these same drives can lead to the opposite. Of course the drive to continue the human race, make more money and cure disease is good. But unrestrained it is evil. So we can now see how everything can be positive or negative, depending on the context. Therefore, my negative view of another person's behavior is positive in their view, for it is exactly what they need to do to maximize their health and safety.
Of course we should encourage those we love to remove anger, resentment, worry, guilt and regret. But at the same time we should also assure them we understand why they can't. Under the circumstances, they are doing their utmost to lead lives as normal as possible. We can and must try to moderate our reactions. We must explain how hard it is for us to see them suffer. And we can assure them we are right there with them.
I finally stopped to think about what makes a so-called negative person tick. Do they purposely choose to live such miserable lives? Do they really want to be hurtful or critical? Don't they want to be liked? Healthy? Happy?
What about us, the so-called positive thinkers? Are we SURE we are really positive? I looked at my own behavior. Sometimes my first instinct is avoidance. I dread the interactions. I am embarrassed or hurt by their behavior. I get angry, defensive and frustrated. I lecture. I tell them how they should live, act and feel.
Not so positive. Not at all.
It is almost as if we are living in two separate worlds speaking two different languages. We perceive and react to each others behavior negatively. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The more we try to be helpful, the more insistent we become, the more suspicious of our motives they become. We become frustrated. They then think we are angry at them. They might lash out at us with verbal tirades or (more likely) simply shut us down and out. But the last thing they want is to be isolated and estranged! All they are trying to do is exist. To survive.
All these years I thought my Mom (of blessed memory) was just a big stubborn pessimist. My Dad (of blessed memory) on the other hand was eternally optimistic. I remember him asking her "why are you always so negative?" Nobody realized hers was an edifice carefully constructed over time, to protect her from any more in a lifelong series of traumas. It was like she was constantly engaged in battle. You were either for her or against her. A compliment to another was automatically an insult to her.
She was one when the Great Depression struck. Next up was a surprise tonsillectomy. She was given no warning or preparation. Imagine the terror of a little girl going to the doctors office, having a mask put over her face, then waking up in excruciating pain. On another occasion a huge dog wanting to play jumped on her and terrified her to the extent that she became her temporarily mute. Her father died of a heart attack when they were alone at home together. The doctors couldn't save him.
Her brash, outgoing, and domineering older sister got all the attention (and Mom would say love), from their mother. She married young and was hopeful for a happier life. But then her first child, a son, was born prematurely. Due to the doctor's mistakes the baby was starved of oxygen long enough to cause lasting brain damage. After almost 60 years of marriage Dad died in a hospital (again, betrayal at the hands of doctors) although he only was admitted for a broken back.
As a widow in her mid-80s, she struggled to handle the overwhelming yet basic details of everyday life. She never really learned the skills necessary to survive on her own in the world. She was desperate to hide the fact that she couldn't handle it. Still healthy considering her age, she started slowing down cognitively and physically. A woman who was always afraid of falling started to fall down regularly. When she went into the hospital for voluntary knee replacement surgery, no one could understand her hostility to the medical personnel, her impatience, her desperation bordering on hysteria to get out of the hospital, and her humiliation at having to be taken care of.
My brother and I tried to help her adapt to her new realities: "You should get a walker, Mom. Think of how much energy you'll be saving! Think of how much safer you'll be without the risk of falling! Wouldn't it be great to move into an assisted living facility? You'll have everything provided for you: 3 meals a day, housekeeping service, and stimulating activities. There will be a nurse's office on site with doctors visiting twice a week! You'll have MORE energy to do the things you enjoy!"
We were shocked when she asked us "why are you so negative?" NEGATIVE? HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE!!! Here's what Mom heard: "You're old, Mom. We don't think you are smart and competent enough to manage on your own." Because of her deep seated fears she sees nothing but danger in this seemingly beautiful, welcoming and safe place. It MUST BE that her children just want to get rid of her, to send her to a place to die out of sight and alone.
But she can't let on that she's afraid! That would be humiliating. So she agreed to a 30-day trial at a facility. As the start date approached her anxiety and anger increased exponentially. Her behavior became more and more bizarre. Fear turned into outright terror. After only 2 days she hysterically insisted on being brought back home right away. She even called the police thinking her life was in danger! Weeks later she would say things like: "I know you are angry with me, but I had to leave". As time went by and as her medical condition worsened, Mom was hospitalized several times. In each instance she constantly tried to flee whatever facility she was in. When she no longer had the strength, she simply flung herself onto the floor.
What in the world was going on? Worrying and fear trigger the nervous system's fight or flight response, which in turn increases levels of stress hormones in the body. While this is sometimes a necessity and can be perfectly safe, chronic cumulative elevated stress hormone levels causes loss of volume in the region of the brain that controls emotional processing, impulse-control, reason, risk perception, and decision making. The ability to cope with stressful situations is then impaired, which can result in inflexibility, resistance, combativeness and isolation. When this so-called cumulative adversity occurs during youth, it can actually retard the growth of these regions in the brain. The result can be an increased risk of developing behavioral disorders later in life.
Inner mental chatter is what drives these actions. We all have a constant stream of thoughts active in our minds. Our brains turn these thoughts into voices only we can hear. This is how we 'hear' what are reading or all of a sudden remember something from our to-do list. In this case the brain magnifies a thought to the point of delusion. For my Mom, these voices were almost like a constant stream of verbal abuse. It was a destructive force causing her mind to get stuck in a cycle of worry and repetitive negative thinking. Egged on by the inner voice and the fear that comes with the inability to asses risk and to cope with stressful situations, withdrawal occurs out of necessity. Retreating to a place where risk is minimized, where the inner voices are relatively quiet, is a matter of life and death.
We can find another way to look at this in our holy Torah. The Inclination for Evil and the Inclination for Good are forces that compete with each other while at the same time compelling us to act. A baby is born with only the Inclination for Evil. The Inclination For Good appears upon the onset of adulthood. The Inclination for Evil encompasses drives that can lead to love, marriage and children. But without proper restraint these same drives can lead to the opposite. Of course the drive to continue the human race, make more money and cure disease is good. But unrestrained it is evil. So we can now see how everything can be positive or negative, depending on the context. Therefore, my negative view of another person's behavior is positive in their view, for it is exactly what they need to do to maximize their health and safety.
Of course we should encourage those we love to remove anger, resentment, worry, guilt and regret. But at the same time we should also assure them we understand why they can't. Under the circumstances, they are doing their utmost to lead lives as normal as possible. We can and must try to moderate our reactions. We must explain how hard it is for us to see them suffer. And we can assure them we are right there with them.